I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
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Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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