dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize