Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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