Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize