Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
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I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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