hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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