oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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