So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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