you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
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My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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