found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
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Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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