we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
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And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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