you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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