my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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