The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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