He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
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We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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