I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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