That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
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It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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