I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
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There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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