he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
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i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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