It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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