You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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