what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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