You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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