no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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