I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
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I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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