I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
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he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
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Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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