Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize