Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
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looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My liver just had a heart attack.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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