Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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