Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
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I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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