i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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