Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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