Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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