Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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