wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i would punch a child for taco bell
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
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Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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