I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize