I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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