you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
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Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
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My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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