sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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