you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
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Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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