They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
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My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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