Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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