i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
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I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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