today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
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I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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