How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
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Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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