yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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