Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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