You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
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