I seem to have left my pride at pride
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
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there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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