Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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